This outfit is appropriate in two scenarios:

• American Apparel mannequin
• Sex & the City extra

I have a feeling neither of these are the case.

First off, what’s up with the length? You can’t wear this as a dress, which means you’re forced to wear it with jeans. Or pants. Or leggings. Which is frightful. Secondly, drawstring and zipper? Fur hood and sleeveless? This garment has some serious multiple personality disorder.

Truth be told, I started the day with a vendetta against snakeskin. I was standing innocently at my busstop when I spied a woman next to me, dressed entirely in business casual but for her skirt, which was a calf-length masterpiece of roses over snakeskin-printed silk. Seriously. No lie. I’m not entirely sure if that is a sin worse than wearing tights with shorts, or shorts with heels (only acceptable if you are Beyonce), but it’s pretty damn close.

Well, well, well. Hope everybody enjoyed their Memorial Day weekend, partying it up in the yard with your barbeques, thong sandals, and khaki pants. Let’s leave the floral print on your mother-in-law’s curtains, though — that’s where it belongs, and not on your oversized “casual” shirt.

Well. The floral print blouse certainly is interesting — it’s a shame that it’s nearly obscured by a vest made from the cobwebs of spiders on steroids. What really intrigues me, though, are the mismatched earrings… One of which appears to be a bunch of fake grapes. Yum?

This outfit isn’t flattering on anyone, except maybe a chilly eggplant. Next.

I wasn’t going to mention the clashing & rather (in comparison) Lilliputian-looking purse, or the possibly snake-skin high heels, or the tiara, or the Bluetooth headset which looks kind of like a demonic, brain-sucking hot pink chile pepper. I was going to write about the weird cut of the top, but it hit me: it’s a jumpsuit. It’s a one-piece jumpsuit with the sides cut out. Oh. My. God.

• No pants (see above)
• Bad pants

PS - this photo was not taken at a beach. There is no excuse I can think of for the lack of pants, or for the friend with a towel for pants.

One of my favourite Go Back & Change one-liners is “It’s like _______ went and threw up/horked/puked all over her shirt.” Any suggestions for this vintage atrocity? I’m thinking the Musicians of Bremen. Or that story about the wheelchair girl and the blonde-braid girl in the Alps. Heidi?

Not a fan of shoes that look like they’ve been constructed from leftover Christmas ribbon and cheap doorstops. Recycling is great, but would you wear plastic bags just to save the world? Oh wait…