Go Back And Change!

photo via hometowninvasion

Sleeveless turtleneck, unzipped pants, weird moustache… At least he comes with his own rape-whistle.

photo via microtard

The weird proportions of this one-piece mansuit suggest that it might better fit a bear. Not the kind you meet in online chatrooms, but the kind that roams the taiga and has no thumbs. Judging by American Apparel’s fondness for tight gold hotpants, I can only guess that they are employing Russian designers who are using bears as mannequins. Ugh.

photo via Andrea R

Uh oh, honey. I hope you’ve packed your Apple Bottoms jeans and the boots with the fur. You know where bad girls go, don’t you?

photo via Max Chernitsov

I hope you won’t be cross with me for posting this semi-professional photo. I was minding my own business in a flickr stream when these underpants attacked my vision, and now the simple pair of panties I was going to feature (They had ‘BITE ME’ written on the butt. In Comic Sans.) seems so frighteningly acceptable that I can even imagine walking past them in the tighty-whiteys aisle at Costco.

Nevertheless, I love you, Russia. You are the land of my birth and home to a people who have an endearing habit of combining leopard print, gaudy jewelry and skintight white leather with pink tassels into one outfit. But please, please put some pants back on.

…

EDIT: The more I look at this, the more that thing around his shoulders looks like a moustache. Ugh.

photo via Jesse!

Wearing clothes that are stuck together but meant to resemble two individual pieces always felt like cheating to me. Or maybe more like owning a hollow book that screams at you and throws things when you try to fill it with drugs or candy. Or like wearing one of those shirts they sell in Cancun that have the body of a bikini babe on them, and then your head and legs look attached to the body, and it’s like “ironic” or something. But it’s not ironic. It’s confusing and wrong. You’re not fooling anyone but yourself. And your toes are going to be cold.

photo via intertrademall

“The Magic Scarf is an ingenious Italian design of feathery acrylic yarn fashioned into an open ended tube. … Can be used as Neck Scarf ~ Wrap ~ Tube Scarf ~ Muffler ~ Shawl ~ Cowl etc.”

According to Wikipedia (and my Latin dictionary, which I left at home today), the word cowl comes from the Latin cuculla, meaning “effing ugly.” In late Latin, it was frequently translated as “hideous neck worm,” which any scholar of the Bible knows was the Plague of Egypt that came after incurable boils. Ugh. 

photo via chicgeek

• Off-the-shoulder top
• Bright colours, weird patterns
• Tulle?!?!
• Leggings
• Leg warmers
• Teal Barbie pumps

It’s like the Eighties went clubbing, drank too many melon balls, and horked all over this mannequin.

photo via ruthlessjack

I’m no spring chicken, you know. I was around in 2002. I remember the whole “reconstruction” thing that happened on eBay and LiveJournal, where scandalously young seamstresses would fashion x-large Metallica shirts into something Courtney Love might have worn in her kinderwhore phase, had she liked Metallica. I may have even owned one or two. I understand. It was nice for a lady to finally be able to voice her appreciation for Marilyn Manson without drowning in fabric. I get it.

I can even understand wearing shorts are 4 inches too low to be classified as low-waisted shorts, and wearing black socks with white shoes, and hanging out in a place decorated with weirdly flirty Arabian Nights paintings. What I cannot understand, young lady, is why you would wear something that makes it appear as if you have no bottom.

I hope you’re ashamed of yourself.

photo via spacmonster

Several questions are posed by this outfit:

Are those women’s terry cloth pants?

Couldn’t he have found another tank top?

Why stop with those flip-flops: why not go for something floral, perhaps?

Is that beer or soda in that can? Beer would go a long way towards explaining this mess. Really.

photo via DruhScoff

Let it be stated for the record that I am 100% against socks and sandals. The socks and sandals combination touches fashion in a bad place.

However, I am strangely charmed by the fishnet anklets and Keen-esque sandals. I think it’s because this look truly says “I don’t give a flying f*ck WHAT you think. I’m gonna rock this, and you can just look OVER THERE if you don’t like it.”

Have I finally lost my mind? Tell me in the comments.